A rare moment when I don’t know what to say.  I’m excited.  I’m nervous.  I’m working on the business of show business.  Figuring out some last numbers as far as expenses so that I can pay everyone this weekend.  I have to say, for having not much experience in balancing a budget and even having a budget to put up a show, I feel like I’ve handled the donations very well, paid people fairly and made good use of the money.  However, it makes me sad as I’ll be within a few hundred dollars of spending it all on this show.  It’s an investment and there are pieces I can keep for the next round.  But, the idea of fundraising for another go is a little daunting right now.  Maybe I won’t think about that, and just focus on putting up the show tonight.  First things first as they say.

I think I have also mentioned this following concept in the blog back in January.  But, I’ll say it again.  I just remembered the servant archetype.  I do a lot of archetypal work in preparation for my performance and while I’m performing.  It’s a technique I’ve been developing, and I pass on to my students.  While toasting my gluten-free, egg-free waffle, I just remembered the servant archetype.  The servant in the best sense:  giving.  Instead of thinking today/tonight with the opening of the show, “Look at me.  Think I’m great.  Approve of me,” I simply think (as the servant), “I have a little gift to give you.”

This helps open up my heart and put everything in perspective.  But, of course, the audience is also giving me a gift by giving me their time and energy.  Well, back to balancing the books, some lunch with my wonderful friends Duck, Andrew and Heidi (who came into town from Chicago for the show), running lines, a light rehearsal, transformation into The Countess and then the show.  GO team!

SO excited and SO tired.  Will write in the morning!

PHOTO CREDIT: ANGELA JIMENEZ

Well, a whirlwind of emotions.  Feels so good to be memorized!  Not a minute too soon.  Played with hair and makeup today.  It feels a little frivolous to do so.  But, The Countess is so concerned with her appearance that it’s not something I can take lightly.  Placed all the set pieces today and wore the costume.  It looks wonderful.  But, it was a lot to take in as I moved through the space.  Glad we have a seven hour rehearsal tomorrow and Thursday for me to really work with these elements.  Plus six hours on Friday.  What a luxury to just be able to work on the show these four days!?  Oh, and I brought in the feather element that I’ve always envisioned from the beginning.  I can come up with reasons of what they represent.  But, it’s really a visceral vision that I’ve had from the moment I conceived this show.  However, it hit me that some people might be allergic to feathers!  I thought of this for down feathers.  But, not turkey feathers, which is what I have.  But, the feathers look wonderful!  However, Jeff, our costume designer, got watery eyes tonight . . . alas.  I’ll put them out tomorrow and see how we all do.  You know that feeling of a lump in your throat?  I feel like I have a lump in my heart.  It feels very hard or closed off.  I think it’s repeating these horrible methods of torture and her horrific sadism over and over that’s got me a little numb.  Rosalie suggested that we have a “fun-through” tomorrow where I just let myself go over the top and be ridiculous with her.  I’m making such an effort to not let Vic (me) be The Countess that I might be going too far the other direction.  Of course, as Jen-Scott, my dramaturg said tonight that the applause is just for having the lines memorized.  Especially since I was changing the script up through this morning.  I love editing!  Such a sense of satisfaction.  The illusion of control.

I don’t remember ever being this exhausted for a show.  I’m probably romanticizing the past because I know I have a tendency to do that.  But, I am exhausted.  I am exhausted by the stillness and controlled nature of The Countess.  I am exhausted by all her justifications.  I am exhausted by the logistics of putting up this show.  I imagine I’m exhausted in part because I’m challenging myself to do more than I’ve ever done as far as bringing in more design elements to work with.  It’s another level of technical skill.  I’m a little bit terrified that I have so many students coming to see me perform.  I feel this pressure that I need to really “show them the money.”  After years of being this sort of archetypal underdog, this expectation that people have for me to be good is, yes, a little bit exhausting.

Logistically, the new set piece looks phenomenal.  The additional costume elements are wonderfully creepy.  I finally got the damn feathers.  I’ve got another page memorized.  (Cutting it a little close).  I picked up the ridiculously expensive hair product to make my hair have volume.  Bought some eye shadow to match the dress.  All the set pieces are at the theatre!  Thank you Ryan Migge and Jono Lukas!  Tomorrow, I’ll get all the costume pieces there as well.  Must remember to stretch and really warm up.  Sometimes I can be a little impatient about following through with preparation.  Finally, my girlfriend reminded me that I should be putting together a press packet.  Hoping I didn’t leave any of the donors’ names out of the program on accident.

Sigh.  The rest of the week is just the show.  No other jobs.  Goodnight, Gracie.

Well, the show is now officially less than a week away!  Still memorizing.  I’m feeling this combination of wanting to give it everything I’ve got and also not wanting to have to great of expectations for a  certain outcome.  It’s strange.  I don’t usually feel this tinge of despair until after the show is over.  Sort of like that song were she sings, “Is that all there is to the circus?  Is that all there is to love?”  I’m singing, “Is that all there is to putting up another one-woman show?”  I hate being the mopey artist.  It’s such a horrible stereotype because there can be so much truth in it.  Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.  I have friends flying in to see the show!  People on the street telling me they’re looking forward to it.  An amazing team of people believing in me and contributing their artistry to the show.  Off to meet some friends, then more memorizing, then rehearsing, then maybe moving the set piece (eeks – moving large objects makes me nervous), and then to Performance Mix to watch dance and theatre.  So nice to be on the receiving end.

Okay.  Enough.  Go team!

Thought I’d try writing on the other end of the day:  morning.  Well, things I’m thinking about regarding the show:  memorizing, getting the big set piece from my house to BAX, working with the new costume elements, making sure I don’t leave anyone’s name out of the program, being convincing as The Countess.  Things I’m thinking about in my life:  moving (needing to pack and be out of my place by 4/30), finding the right-sized storage unit, managing my finances as I put up the show, wondering if I will get to spend any time with my friend, Heidi, coming into town to see the show.  Things I’m thinking about regarding my career:  feeling so appreciative of Marya and Judy, my agent, doing their best to get producers to come, wondering if any producers will come, feeling a tiny bit of self pity (dangerous) that I’m not further along after almost 13 years in New York, reminding myself to think positively and enjoy where I am in this moment.

There is something so very sweet about this moment.  Knowing so many of the people that are coming to the show so well.  It makes it very intimate and very loving.  I really never had an awareness until this residency that there are ‘certain’ people that I should be inviting to my work so that it may move to the ‘next’ level.  I really just thought they would happen to see your work eventually, and it would go from there.  No one tells you that it is much more strategic than that.  Not always.  But, often, it seems.  I know I’ve probably said this before in this blog.  But, I always thought success came for people that were beautiful, rich and/or connected or maybe just lucky.  It seems that it is much more of knocking on people’s doors and saying, “Hey, I’m Victoria Libertore.  Check out my work.  I think you’d like it.  I think it’s a good match for what you do at your space.”  Of course, to bring it back to Countess Erzsébet Báthory (Elizabeth), it seems that it was her beauty, wealth, connections and a little bit of luck that permitted her to be such a successful serial killer.  So, what the hell do I know?

I’m supposed to be memorizing.  Instead, I’m putting on makeup.  A lot of makeup.  A lot of dewy makeup.  I had this desire to make my cheeks look dewy.  So, I went to MAC and found out how.  Now, it’s almost midnight and my cheeks are dewy.  As are my eyes.  And my lips.  I’m one big dew bud.  There’s this story in Twyla Tharp’s book, The Creative Act about Jerome Robbins choreographing Annie on Broadway.  There was a scene that’s supposed to get a laugh and was not.  So, Mr. Robbins had the set designer change the hand towel hanging in the background from white to yellow, and right after the scene started to get big laughs.  So, this brings me to the question:  is The Countess dewy and natural or red-lipped and dark eye shades of blue?  The latter seems the more obvious, which makes me wonder if the dewiness is actually not more interesting and off-putting.  Every little nuance makes a difference as we see by the towel example.

Rosalie and I did a run-through today with me on script and moving through the movement pieces.  Whew.  I’m excited to share this piece, which is always good.   The response from the trailer that Ryan Kipp did is overwhelmingly positive.  It’s amazing how people respond to professional things.  The legitimacy it brings.  Back to memorizing . . . “I have been called a werewolf.”