I’m always so mortified to show unfinished material, especially in bits and pieces.  My work tends to be very contextual, which is to say: an isolated chunk may seem trivial by itself, but takes on a wider meaning through juxtaposition, framing, etc.  And yet a big part of this job is all about isolating those unisolatable chunks.  I’ve just spent the better part of the past few days editing video footage of a recent workshop, seeking out the perfect five minute clip on which I can bet my future.  But it’s part of the game.  To be the wicked parent from the Caucasian Chalk Circle, perpetually chopping up your babies.

Anyway, this is all just to say: My recent Open Studio at BAX was a challenge to concoct (though ultimately rewarding, with tremendously helpful feedback from the audience).

Whenever my process is made public, I become (naturally?) preoccupied with the audience.  Most artists I know get very angry when you mention the audience.  Especially non-American artists!  They always seem more likely to think about their art in terms of their own self-fulfillment and personal vision.  American artists seem a little more self-conscious, a little more eager to please.  (A little more like they’re running for office?)

I am American, and I never know what I want.

So many different people have seen so many different versions of this piece, and they all want different things.  I am embarrassed to admit in a public forum how much this confuses me. But honestly, if you’re sitting in my audience watching my show, I really care about what you’re thinking.  I really want you to follow me, trust me, get uncomfortable with me…. I don’t need you to like me, or like the show, or even have a terribly good time, but, in the case of “thirtynothing,” I really need you to walk away having considered some very specific ideas about history, about AIDS, about death, about civic responsibility…  And the more I think about that — the more I think about my NEED for you to think these things — the more I realize that experimental theater isn’t about experimenting WITH theater.  It’s about experimenting with YOU.

It always amazes me how structure manages to reveal itself, if I’m able to pay attention to it. Often when I try to build something, it feels like I’m obscuring or complicating the thing that is most interesting about the material I’m working with.  My Open Studio showing demonstrated once again the need to have faith in the simple and direct.

Performance is alchemical. Something about the audience, the vulnerability, the exchange ignites the room in ways that working alone in the studio can never quite prepare you for. I fantasize about the audience, how it will feel, strategies for engaging them, but the reality is always more intense and messy and full of information than I could ever prepare for. What starts to seem flat, dull and rote in rehearsal becomes layered and charged in performance, so long as I’m able to commit myself to the experience. I dread the constant ups and downs of the rehearsal process. One minute I’m in love with something, the next minute I think it’s pointless and empty. It’s this instability that keeps driving me forward, and ultimately keeps me invested in this form. I like not knowing. I like creating a situation where performance has the potential to be a place of transformation. I like the fact that performance is a phenomenon that is too much to take in, that leaves an impression rather than a document, that cultivates a different kind of knowledge.

For now, I’ve decided to call this work “For You, The Audience.” Not sure about that, but it certainly has a lot to do with seeing and being seen. The room we’re in, the moment we are sharing, even if the roles are oppositional and charged. I’m trying to understand both my feelings about “production” and my personal practice of making work (which is always changing). How can I create a relationship between the two, where one doesn’t negate the other? I don’t want the performance to simply demonstrate what I would do in the studio on my own, but I also don’t want to erase the hours and hours I spend investigating this form simply because it is now a public presentation. Rather than making something designed for effect, I’m trying to investigate my relationship to movement, my body, my ideas and propose a specific translation for that relationship into a structure that can be called “performance.”

Lately, I’ve been holding off on defining steps or setting movement. I’m hoping the structures of things will keep becoming clearer as I spend time with them. I have to trust that spending time is enough. That being receptive is enough. It’s hard. Already I’m thinking “Holy Christ, I’ve got to make a piece now!” It was useful when Marya reminded me that I shouldn’t stop exploring just because I’m aware there is a show coming up (I’m paraphrasing). It’s easy to get derailed when the spectre of “production” starts to appear. And anyways, I’m still trying to understand what things I’m drawn to in the studio.

Hopefully I’ll manage to stay out of my own way.

I’d also like to thank everyone who came to the Open Studio showing. Because this work is so dependent on the presence of an audience, it’s incredibly helpful to start to understand how this feels. And to see how you feel after experiencing it. So thanks!

Missed the show opening?
Can’t make it to Brooklyn to see the show in-person?

Click here to view it online.

A rare moment when I don’t know what to say.  I’m excited.  I’m nervous.  I’m working on the business of show business.  Figuring out some last numbers as far as expenses so that I can pay everyone this weekend.  I have to say, for having not much experience in balancing a budget and even having a budget to put up a show, I feel like I’ve handled the donations very well, paid people fairly and made good use of the money.  However, it makes me sad as I’ll be within a few hundred dollars of spending it all on this show.  It’s an investment and there are pieces I can keep for the next round.  But, the idea of fundraising for another go is a little daunting right now.  Maybe I won’t think about that, and just focus on putting up the show tonight.  First things first as they say.

I think I have also mentioned this following concept in the blog back in January.  But, I’ll say it again.  I just remembered the servant archetype.  I do a lot of archetypal work in preparation for my performance and while I’m performing.  It’s a technique I’ve been developing, and I pass on to my students.  While toasting my gluten-free, egg-free waffle, I just remembered the servant archetype.  The servant in the best sense:  giving.  Instead of thinking today/tonight with the opening of the show, “Look at me.  Think I’m great.  Approve of me,” I simply think (as the servant), “I have a little gift to give you.”

This helps open up my heart and put everything in perspective.  But, of course, the audience is also giving me a gift by giving me their time and energy.  Well, back to balancing the books, some lunch with my wonderful friends Duck, Andrew and Heidi (who came into town from Chicago for the show), running lines, a light rehearsal, transformation into The Countess and then the show.  GO team!

SO excited and SO tired.  Will write in the morning!

PHOTO CREDIT: ANGELA JIMENEZ

Well, a whirlwind of emotions.  Feels so good to be memorized!  Not a minute too soon.  Played with hair and makeup today.  It feels a little frivolous to do so.  But, The Countess is so concerned with her appearance that it’s not something I can take lightly.  Placed all the set pieces today and wore the costume.  It looks wonderful.  But, it was a lot to take in as I moved through the space.  Glad we have a seven hour rehearsal tomorrow and Thursday for me to really work with these elements.  Plus six hours on Friday.  What a luxury to just be able to work on the show these four days!?  Oh, and I brought in the feather element that I’ve always envisioned from the beginning.  I can come up with reasons of what they represent.  But, it’s really a visceral vision that I’ve had from the moment I conceived this show.  However, it hit me that some people might be allergic to feathers!  I thought of this for down feathers.  But, not turkey feathers, which is what I have.  But, the feathers look wonderful!  However, Jeff, our costume designer, got watery eyes tonight . . . alas.  I’ll put them out tomorrow and see how we all do.  You know that feeling of a lump in your throat?  I feel like I have a lump in my heart.  It feels very hard or closed off.  I think it’s repeating these horrible methods of torture and her horrific sadism over and over that’s got me a little numb.  Rosalie suggested that we have a “fun-through” tomorrow where I just let myself go over the top and be ridiculous with her.  I’m making such an effort to not let Vic (me) be The Countess that I might be going too far the other direction.  Of course, as Jen-Scott, my dramaturg said tonight that the applause is just for having the lines memorized.  Especially since I was changing the script up through this morning.  I love editing!  Such a sense of satisfaction.  The illusion of control.

I don’t remember ever being this exhausted for a show.  I’m probably romanticizing the past because I know I have a tendency to do that.  But, I am exhausted.  I am exhausted by the stillness and controlled nature of The Countess.  I am exhausted by all her justifications.  I am exhausted by the logistics of putting up this show.  I imagine I’m exhausted in part because I’m challenging myself to do more than I’ve ever done as far as bringing in more design elements to work with.  It’s another level of technical skill.  I’m a little bit terrified that I have so many students coming to see me perform.  I feel this pressure that I need to really “show them the money.”  After years of being this sort of archetypal underdog, this expectation that people have for me to be good is, yes, a little bit exhausting.

Logistically, the new set piece looks phenomenal.  The additional costume elements are wonderfully creepy.  I finally got the damn feathers.  I’ve got another page memorized.  (Cutting it a little close).  I picked up the ridiculously expensive hair product to make my hair have volume.  Bought some eye shadow to match the dress.  All the set pieces are at the theatre!  Thank you Ryan Migge and Jono Lukas!  Tomorrow, I’ll get all the costume pieces there as well.  Must remember to stretch and really warm up.  Sometimes I can be a little impatient about following through with preparation.  Finally, my girlfriend reminded me that I should be putting together a press packet.  Hoping I didn’t leave any of the donors’ names out of the program on accident.

Sigh.  The rest of the week is just the show.  No other jobs.  Goodnight, Gracie.

Well, the show is now officially less than a week away!  Still memorizing.  I’m feeling this combination of wanting to give it everything I’ve got and also not wanting to have to great of expectations for a  certain outcome.  It’s strange.  I don’t usually feel this tinge of despair until after the show is over.  Sort of like that song were she sings, “Is that all there is to the circus?  Is that all there is to love?”  I’m singing, “Is that all there is to putting up another one-woman show?”  I hate being the mopey artist.  It’s such a horrible stereotype because there can be so much truth in it.  Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.  I have friends flying in to see the show!  People on the street telling me they’re looking forward to it.  An amazing team of people believing in me and contributing their artistry to the show.  Off to meet some friends, then more memorizing, then rehearsing, then maybe moving the set piece (eeks – moving large objects makes me nervous), and then to Performance Mix to watch dance and theatre.  So nice to be on the receiving end.

Okay.  Enough.  Go team!