Well, the show is now officially less than a week away!  Still memorizing.  I’m feeling this combination of wanting to give it everything I’ve got and also not wanting to have to great of expectations for a  certain outcome.  It’s strange.  I don’t usually feel this tinge of despair until after the show is over.  Sort of like that song were she sings, “Is that all there is to the circus?  Is that all there is to love?”  I’m singing, “Is that all there is to putting up another one-woman show?”  I hate being the mopey artist.  It’s such a horrible stereotype because there can be so much truth in it.  Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.  I have friends flying in to see the show!  People on the street telling me they’re looking forward to it.  An amazing team of people believing in me and contributing their artistry to the show.  Off to meet some friends, then more memorizing, then rehearsing, then maybe moving the set piece (eeks – moving large objects makes me nervous), and then to Performance Mix to watch dance and theatre.  So nice to be on the receiving end.

Okay.  Enough.  Go team!

Thought I’d try writing on the other end of the day:  morning.  Well, things I’m thinking about regarding the show:  memorizing, getting the big set piece from my house to BAX, working with the new costume elements, making sure I don’t leave anyone’s name out of the program, being convincing as The Countess.  Things I’m thinking about in my life:  moving (needing to pack and be out of my place by 4/30), finding the right-sized storage unit, managing my finances as I put up the show, wondering if I will get to spend any time with my friend, Heidi, coming into town to see the show.  Things I’m thinking about regarding my career:  feeling so appreciative of Marya and Judy, my agent, doing their best to get producers to come, wondering if any producers will come, feeling a tiny bit of self pity (dangerous) that I’m not further along after almost 13 years in New York, reminding myself to think positively and enjoy where I am in this moment.

There is something so very sweet about this moment.  Knowing so many of the people that are coming to the show so well.  It makes it very intimate and very loving.  I really never had an awareness until this residency that there are ‘certain’ people that I should be inviting to my work so that it may move to the ‘next’ level.  I really just thought they would happen to see your work eventually, and it would go from there.  No one tells you that it is much more strategic than that.  Not always.  But, often, it seems.  I know I’ve probably said this before in this blog.  But, I always thought success came for people that were beautiful, rich and/or connected or maybe just lucky.  It seems that it is much more of knocking on people’s doors and saying, “Hey, I’m Victoria Libertore.  Check out my work.  I think you’d like it.  I think it’s a good match for what you do at your space.”  Of course, to bring it back to Countess Erzsébet Báthory (Elizabeth), it seems that it was her beauty, wealth, connections and a little bit of luck that permitted her to be such a successful serial killer.  So, what the hell do I know?

I’m supposed to be memorizing.  Instead, I’m putting on makeup.  A lot of makeup.  A lot of dewy makeup.  I had this desire to make my cheeks look dewy.  So, I went to MAC and found out how.  Now, it’s almost midnight and my cheeks are dewy.  As are my eyes.  And my lips.  I’m one big dew bud.  There’s this story in Twyla Tharp’s book, The Creative Act about Jerome Robbins choreographing Annie on Broadway.  There was a scene that’s supposed to get a laugh and was not.  So, Mr. Robbins had the set designer change the hand towel hanging in the background from white to yellow, and right after the scene started to get big laughs.  So, this brings me to the question:  is The Countess dewy and natural or red-lipped and dark eye shades of blue?  The latter seems the more obvious, which makes me wonder if the dewiness is actually not more interesting and off-putting.  Every little nuance makes a difference as we see by the towel example.

Rosalie and I did a run-through today with me on script and moving through the movement pieces.  Whew.  I’m excited to share this piece, which is always good.   The response from the trailer that Ryan Kipp did is overwhelmingly positive.  It’s amazing how people respond to professional things.  The legitimacy it brings.  Back to memorizing . . . “I have been called a werewolf.”

Because we are so excited to show our work in the coming weeks, the 2009-2010 BAX AIRs (luciana achugar, Abigail Browde, Victoria Libertore, and Jennie MaryTai Liu) have interviewed each other about their processes, their lives, and their work.

This is part four, of a four part series.

VICTORIA LIBERTORE INTERVIEWS LUCIANA ACHUGAR

luciana’s piece PURO DESEO will be performed at The Kitchen  on Thursday – Saturday, April 29 – May 1, 8p & Sunday, May 2, 5pm. Click here for tickets.

What did you want to be as a little girl?

I only remember at times wanting to have a really large family with tons of kids running around, and at times dreaming of being someone meaningful for the betterment of humanity, I think I wanted to be a politician or a bioligist, someone that did something to change the world, as I was very aware of the injustices going on in the world.

If you could go back and do anything different in your career or a specific piece, would you?

If I look back at my work I always see faults, things that aren’t worked through deeply enough or compositional “errors” that make a piece a bit too long or that seem immature from where I am standing now. However, I wouldn’t say that I would change anything. Maybe a little editing here and there but not much else…That is not to say that I think what I’ve done in the past has been brilliant in any way but more because I feel like I did what I had to do or I could at that time, and that the way I worked than and what happened then is how I am here now doing what I am doing in the way that I am doing it. Especially because I very much think of the lineage of one piece to the next and make work always in dialogue and reacting to what I did before.

On the other hand, what I would change from the past is to have learned to not arrive at the end of my process always so last minute, running against the clock to put on the show. I wish I had learned early on to organize time better to feel more ready when I am finally showing work to an audience. But, who knows… maybe the fact that I am like that makes it into the work and gives it an edge that is more raw and seemingly undone, which I like… I am not so into overly designing things, it can be overkill…

What do you enjoy most about the creative process?

I used to enjoy most about the process the playful moments of discovery where one tries to be as open and available to inspiration and creativity as possible without worrying yet about the outcome. I still enjoy that part very much but I have come to enjoy even more the moments that are unexpected in which connections appear between ideas and movements and structures that I have been exploring; when all of a sudden something seems to click and I know exactly where a certain moment of the piece needs to happen and I finally understand why I couldn’t get rid of that idea, even though it didn’t seem to fit in before. Or the moment in which I realize that in fact my unconscious mind is more clear about what the work is than I was ever aware of.

What do you enjoy least about the creative process?

The way in which I torture myself and beat myself up over not knowing how to approach my rehearsals at times; or the fact that I have a hard time enjoying myself cause I’m so concerned with making something “good”, and therefore I spent so much time paralized not knowing what to do next cause nothing seems good enough, interesting enough, or worth anyones time. The fact that I sometimes dread going to rehearsal and just wish I could escape myself, cause every time I am in rehearsal I have to face my “demons”.

Anything about this new piece you’re working on that you want to share?

Besides the description that can be read in the website… I guess I would like to share that this piece is for me a work where I am trying to define an aesthetic of movement as a choreographer, yet I am working with a non-dancer, so it has become a very interesting contradiction that I have set for myself… In some ways I think that the combination of showing the work danced by me and by someone that has no formal training in dance is the most untainted way to show what my ideas about the body and moving are all about. Because it’s so hard for a dancer to remove their training from their body, and I am interested in exploring something about the body that is “darker” or “mysterious”, that comes from the hormonal, glandular, visceral part of ourselves.

This question is totally stolen from Julia Cameron’s “The Artist Way.”  If you weren’t doing what you’re doing, list five other careers you’d be interested in.

Dancer. (I know that it seems like the same, but if I hadn’t chosen to be a choreographer I would’ve loved to continue to dance professionally and interpret other artist’s work).

Politics. (Not as a politician but to work in some organization that works towards the kind of change that I wanna see in society)

Philosophy. (Being an academic and studying aesthetics, art theory and philosophy)

Filmmaker.

Homemaker. (TO have the chance to spend more time in the small things in life that matter to me a lot, friends, family, having a beautiful home, cooking amazing dinners for family and friends, plus the fantasy of also having time to read and watch all the shows I want to).

What advice would the 80-year old Luciana give to the Luciana of 2010?

You should have taken better care of yourself then! Don’t keep putting yoga classes, eating well and getting enough sleep off for later. Don’t neglect your friendships, and your partner, your career will keep going. Trust yourself, you know you have an insight into the body and a special sensitivity and you owe it to yourself and the world to put it out there as much as you can, don’t second guess yourself. Don’t put off reading novels now cause you think you’ll have time to catch up when you’re older… you’ll continue to be busy, do what you need to do now! Enjoy yourself and your loved ones more!!!

Wow.  I am tired to my bones.  I think it’s the weight of this material and processing so much.  Plus my brain hurts from just getting off book TODAY for the OPENING TOMORROW.  11:11 (as I write this).  Make a wish.  You know what mine is.  I’ve got to go edit the script again so Emma has a new, clean copy with all my cuts.  Costume moved beautifully today.  Still need to map out the last song.  I know where I start with it and where I end.  It’s just the technical details of getting there.  Must remember to keep eating well as I’ve learned all too often that my performance takes a drastic dip if I haven’t ate well the day of.  For some reason this week, I’m really missing Mom.  Maybe it’s all the lost Elizabeth Bathory experienced and caused.  Oh, my.  Intense.  By the way, I hope to see you at the show!

Photo by Angela Jimenez  |  manipulated by Victoria Libertore

Soooooooooooo tired.  A hard day’s work:  accent coach, meeting with Rosalie, costume fitting, memorizing.  The costume is coming together beautifully and will partner wonderfully with our set piece that is a work of art!  This is good considering that I never gave the costume and set designer a chance to meet.  Whoops!  But, they both ‘get it’ on a visceral and literal level.  I feel very lucky when I get to have days like today.  Never mind getting a full day of being an artist.  But, to have water come out of my faucets and food in my fridge and a warm bed.  The Countess asks in Girl Meat where was their (the alleged 600 girls’) God when I was killing them?  I consider myself very spiritual.  But, with all my affirmations and visualization of this life for myself (that seem to be working, mind you), why do I get this and why don’t the people of Haiti get their basic needs met?  I know I’m not the first person to ask this.  It is a childish question in a way:  why aren’t things fair?  But, the child in me wants to know.  I want to know why The Countess killed.  Less of why she got away with it.  That part seems obvious.  She was powerful and rich.  But, why did she have this need to kill?  And if she was born with it, can we fault her for it?

Checked in with my spiritual mentor, Carolyn Swift, today about working with the archetypal energy of Countess Elizabeth Bathory (since she has such intense energy).  Carolyn, as always, had some great guidance . . . on another note, I got a BIG donation from a wonderful friend towards the show.  Very heartening!  More memorizing, accent development and fundraiser planning.  Check in with my set and costume designers.  They both have new ideas they’re incorporating and it’s sooooooo exciting.  We’re all IN process.  Very excited for Rosalie, my director to be back Friday from Holland.  A fairly logistical blog for you on this cold, winter day.

Today, my energy was shifted away from the Countess and Girl Meat.  I performed at APAP (Association of Performing Arts Presenters) for Dixie FunLee Shulman’s The Lonely, Post-Modern, Artsy-Fartsy Peep Show.  It was so much fun to get out there and do my Liza Minnelli impression and a little bit from My Journey of Decay.  Also nice to get a check from BAX – a chunk of money that came in from all the kind, kind folks that have donated to Girl Meat!  Thank you!  Very encouraging.  The other good news is that my Goddess Burlesque Workshop is filling up at this last-minute, witching hour!  This will take some of the financial pressure off the week of the show so I can really focus on the show!  Back on top, kids.  Back on top.